Thursday, March 18, 2010

Is this normal? Abnormal? Or abnormally early...

I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been feeling sad and haven't wanted to write a downer posting. I've been sad about a lot of things, but I'm only going to talk about one (for today, anyway...) Because, I just realized yesterday why I've been more .... let's say.... emotional, than usual. And it's not just how depressing I find the news (no one is less cut out to be a real world news junkie than me, but that's for another day).

I miss having babies. I mean, actual babies; infants.

Don't get me wrong. I love being a mother. Love it. And, I don't suck at it. I love kids, mine in particular. In the last 8 years, I have often parented alone; for weeks on end. I have never really minded or complained. Gary travels a lot, and until this year, we didn't even have a babysitter. Ever. Except for 2 evenings before Kate was born, we just didn't go anywhere without them. My friends can attest to my patience. Well, with children - not adults - especially adults I am married to. Again, another post for another day.

I am not a Martha Stewart-inspired, crafty, good-soulfoodcooking type of stay at home mother. I don't download craft ideas, then spend 2 hours at the table doing them with the kids. But, I color a lot - I'm an excellent colorer. I play games. I read a lot. I talk a lot. Hold the jokes. And I love them a lot. I hug em and kiss em a lot.

Over the years, we've spent a lot of time traveling. Spent several months, several times living in hotels with toddlers. That won't mean anything to people who don't have toddlers. Imagine living in one room with a 1 yr old and 3 yr old, or a 2 and 4 yr old, who both have to nap. No toys, no tv, just you, two little ones and some books. I did it a lot. It wasn't easy at the time, but looking back, they are some of my best memories.

Living in Trois Rivieres, PQ was the not the highlight of places to live, socially. But, Bradley was born there - before we even finished unpacking, and Ellie turned 2 and 3 there. I was lonely for adult company, yet looking back, it was one of the happiest times of my life.

A major life lesson that we've been smacked in the face with, over and over again, is that life rarely gets easier or less complicated. You know the expression, 'life is what happens when you're busy making plans'... so true. Tacky and true. Hopefully, I don't sound too knowitall-ish, but when the kids were smaller, I really was aware of this. I daily said to Gary, or my Mom, that I felt so happy and lucky and that these were the best days of my life. Which brings me to my sadness....

Am I past the best days of my life? I can't be. I'm 36. My kids are 7.5, 5.5 and 2 years old. Aren't I too young to be feeling this way? Is this a normal or abnormal feeling? I think it's a normal feeling, but that I am having it abnormally young. Knowing that I'm not going to be "birthin' no mo babies" makes me cry. And, I hated being pregnant. I think I miss the quiet joy of watching a 3 yr old push a 1 yr old around in their laundry basket-boat. I miss the sweet cuddling that comes with breastfeeding. I miss having little ones playing in the house all day, with no frantic running around to various lessons. I also miss the quiet of peace and tranquility, ie NO FIGHTING. Ellie and Bradley did not fight until this year. They just didn't. They never, not once, got on my nerves. Gary never came home to a wife who said, "I have to get out of here before I lose my mind". We really didn't have bad moments, let alone bad days. They played, played, played and then played some more. My Little Ponies, Pollies, Barbies, Store, LPS, and then Lego. Total BFFs. Now, Bradley is not so into being told to play with girl toys, and Ellie usually has her nose in a book. Which hurts Brad's feelings. And, all of this bothers Kate, arguably still a baby, who does not appreciate not being included. Which she rarely is, because she destroys all their things. It bothers her. She does not express this through gentle gestures. She screams. She really screams. Poor Katey. I don't think being the baby is the cozy family position previously thought. I have a lot of guilt about her. She was born at the beginning of our diabetes - induced chaos. Ellie and Bradley have lately both started saying things like, "Remember how great life was before we had diabetes?", or when I'm tucking them in, they might say, "I wish no one in the world ever had diabetes". Last night, I was snuggling Ellie in bed, and telling her how when she was in my belly, I used to hope and pray that this little baby would be a sweet baby girl and that is what she is - my sweet and perfect little girl. And she said, "But Mom, now I have diabetes."

Maybe that is what I am really the most sad about.

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